Scuba Diving: Man's Elegant Attempt to Kill Himself

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Narcosis of the deep, the bends, hypothermia, and as if that weren't enough; sharks. Why would anybody scuba you ask? I really don't know; not totally my cup of tea. Let me share an experience with you:

You climb onto a boat and the wind is blowing so hard it almost throws you into the ocean; the theme from Jaws in your head. The guide is skinny and brown with a weasel smile and a six-pack of abs he takes every opportunity to show off.

"Ladies," he says, even though 7 of the 10 people here are male. "Make sure you check your regulators and don't bite down on them too much. If you need help with your coral mask, I'm here."

"I need help with my coral mask," I say.

"Oh," the weasel says, "I meant the girls. Most guys don't need the help." He checks the regulator. "Hmm, where'd you get this? I haven't seen this kind before."
Thanks weasel, that makes me feel better considering we're in the middle of the ocean and you're the only one that's certified to save my butt.
"All right guys and dolls, have fun."

The water is warm and it makes you want to urinate so badly you just decide it's better not to fight it so you can concentrate. The sunlight comes down and breaks into fragments, turning light blue, then blue, then dark blue, then black as you go farther down. There are fish everywhere and coral but they don't interest you because you've just seen a small ship wreck. You go down the sixty feet or so to the bottom and see that it's an old sailing boat. You reach out and touch the wooden sail and a splinter embeddes itself deeply into your middle finger. And then, you see the blood. It looks cloudy in water and you're thrilled at first, but then the theme from Jaws plays in your head again.

You come up to the surface but not too fast cause they said your eyeballs will pop out of your head. You come up onto the boat and the weasel is standing there.

"Oh, hey, one more thing. There's a boat down there. Make sure not to touch it it's really old."

The weasel won that day, and I still didn't figure out what the draw was for scuba. At least I wasn't eaten.


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1 comment:

  1. Maybe recreational scuba diving is not adrenaline inducing enough for you.

    Go beyond the recreational limit and do wreck or cave technical diving.

    ReplyDelete

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